Me, Me, Me!

To start off, a little about me:

I'm a 41 yr old wife and mom with a terrific husband of 19 years, and a wonderful teen-aged kid.

I've struggled off-and on with depression since I was a teen. After some spotty treatment (and hating the way the drugs made me feel--the ones that made me feel anything), I worked with an outstanding therapist for 8 years. Then she died, horribly.

Dr P, as I shall call her, really helped me out a lot. She didn't judge, she understood where I was coming from, she called me on my bs. She knew her stuff. She helped a lot of people actually, many of them for free. Someone decided to snuff out that light.

Then last year a friend, an otherwise wonderful mom I knew, hung herself. I understood. Oh, I could never do it. I just don't think I could face the great beyond with the destruction of my family on my conscience.

It's coming up on 3 years now since Dr. P died, and I've been feeling the darkness pretty strongly lately. I used to tell her everything. Now, I'm just a big faker. I'm alone a lot, which gives me plenty of time to wallow, and makes it easier to keep the depression a secret.

So anyway Dr. P used to always encourage me to journal, so I'm going to start doing that here (sorry, Dr. P, that it took me so long to follow your advice). As always happens with the loss of someone important in your life, so often I find myself with thoughts or in situations where I think, "I wish I could share that with ____ !" So I'll just share here.

Hmmm, a little more about me. I like to cook, which is often complicated by my fear of grocery shopping. I am a neat freak and also a terrible housekeeper. I think I'm a pretty nice person, although most people irritate me on some level.

My other hobbies include: sleeping, crying, reading, and terrible reality television. I have two wonderful dogs named Chip and Babs.